Die, Umbridge, Die
by Dragon Mistress
Summary: *WARNING: ORDER OF THE PHOENIX SPOILERS!* Who detests Dolores Umbridge? I do, I do! Who loves Sirius? I do, I do! Who loves knives? Sirius does, Sirius does!


Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter characters. In the case of Professor Umbridge, I'm GLAD. Please don't sue, I have nothing of value.  
  
Summary: That goddamned Umbridge woman irritates the HELL out of me when I read Order of the Phoenix. I can't STAND her! And the detention she gave to Harry was HORRIBLE! On the other hand, I loooooooooove Sirius, and he is *very* protective of Harry, sooo..... what happens when Harry tells Sirius about the detention Umbridge makes him do? Completely AU!  
  
Warnings: Insane people and implied SB/RL slash  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
Die, Umbridge, Die  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harry sighed with relief, soaking his hand in the bowl of murtlap solution Hermione had given him. Ahh, that feels so much better.  
Ron looked up from his essay on the moons of Saturn. That Umbridge cow shouldn't get away with this, he said angrily, noticing how the murtlap solution had changed from yellowish to a pale orange because of Harry's bleeding hand. You should complain to Dumbledore.  
I can't, Harry sighed. You know if he complains Fudge'll just have another example to prove how crazy Dumbledore and I are.  
Hermione shook her head, gently taking Harry by the wrist and lifting his hand out of the bowl to examine it closely. She's a foul old toad, she said sadly, putting Harry's hand back in the bowl. If only there was some way to get rid of her.....  
  
No sooner had Hermione spoken when a voice said, Hi, guys!  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione whipped around to see Sirius' head in the fireplace, grinning at them.   
What's up? Sirius asked, then noticed his godson's hand soaking. What are you soaking your hand in? Orange Kool-Aid? What did you do to your hand?  
You hate it when Remus asks you three questions at once, why do you do it to me? Harry sighed. It's murtlap solution.  
Why are you soaking your hand in that? Sirius asked, looking concerned. Bad bit with a fire-crab in Care of Magical Creatures?  
No, Grubbly-Plank won't let us study anything more interesting than walking twigs, Harry grumbled.  
It was that Umbridge cow, Ron said.  
Sirius' expression became so dark and hate-filled that the children stared at him in amazement and felt a little scared. _Dolores_ Umbridge? That bitch who works for Fudge?  
Yes, her, said Harry.  
Do you know her? Hermione asked.  
Not personally, but it's her who's made it damn near impossible for my Remus to get a job, Sirius snarled. I'd like to introduce her to Moony some night, I can tell you! He turned his glare on his godson. What did she do to you? Show me!  
  
Reluctant but unable to say no to the furious look on his godfather's face, Harry extracted his hand from the bowl of murtlap solution, crossed to the fireplace, knelt down, and held out his hand, telling Sirius the whole story as he did.  
Harry had thought he had seen Sirius at his angriest that night in the Shrieking Shack, but he had clearly been wrong.  
She did that to you? Sirius whispered, his voice so choked with rage that he couldn't speak any louder. He was truly frightening, looking even scarier than he had when Harry had still thought him a murderer. Almost to himself he muttered, She goes after my boyfriend, trying to drive him to death by poverty or whatever, and chops up my godson's hand just for telling the truth....  
He glared up at them, his midnight-blue eyes now black. Harry, I have to do something. I'll..... see you soon, ok? Take care of that hand.  
Uh, sure, Sirius, Harry said in surprise, and Sirius' head vanished from the fireplace with a *pop!* after a curt nod to Ron and Hermione.  
  
What's he going to do? Hermione asked anxiously.  
Dunno, but knowing Sirius, something huge, unexpected, and likely to get him landed back in Azkaban. Ron said, still staring at the spot where Sirius' head had been a few seconds ago.  
Ugh, you're probably right, Hermione groaned, and cast a look at her own Saturn essay. Oh, I can't think any more tonight. I'm going to bed.  
Sounds like a jolly good idea, Ron mumbled, also standing.  
Second that, Harry yawned, following them up the staircase, still soaking his hand in the murtlap solution.  
  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
  
The next day at breakfast, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were too busy discussing what Sirius might have on his mind to bother much with their food. Fred and George joined them and asked what was wrong; whispering as softly as they could, Harry filled them in.  
You reckon Sirius is bent on revenge? Fred whispered.  
Sounds like him, doesn't it? George grumbled. Watch him give Kreacher to Umbridge or something....  
Kreacher knows too much about the Order, Harry said in despair, slumping down in his seat. Besides, Umbridge's -  
  
***BANG***.  
  
The doors of the Great Hall flew open just then, cutting Harry off in mid-sentance, and likewise silencing everyone in the Hall as they all turned to look at the entrance.  
  
Sirius Black stood in the doorway, glowering. Completely ignoring the mutters beginning to puncture the silence, Sirius strode up between the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw tables to the staff table, his dark blue eyes fixed upon Dolores Umbridge. He made quite an imposing sight, his black robes billowing around him, his waist-length black hair streaming out behind him, and his murderous glare fixed upon the stupid old toad sitting at Dumbledore's side.   
Umbridge smiled sweetly and fluttered her eyelashes has he approached. _Hem, hem._ Sirius Black! How......._ lovely_ of you to join us! She pulled out her wand.  
  
Sirius had reached the staff table by now. He seized her wand and pitched it across the room. There was a gurgling noise as it landed in someone's porridge. Then he leaned across the table and seized Umbridge by the collar of her robes, lifting her bodily into the air. She squealed in protest and tried to kick him in the crotch, but since she was so little, and since Sirius was holding her so high, her kicks fell unheeded on Sirius' ribs.  
  
You..... old... COW, Sirius snarled, shaking Umbridge as hard as he could. You..... TOAD.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione stifled laughs behind their hands; as they did, Harry felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Remus Lupin smiling down at him, his honey-hazel eyes twinkling.   
I came with Siri to see how he was going to deal with that horrible woman, Remus said quietly. And I must say I'm enjoying it so far.  
  
This seemed to be the attitude of everyone in the Hall, teachers included. Everyone was watching in interest as Sirius shook Umbridge so hard that knitting needles, doily patterns, china kittens, and foul pain-causing quills fell out of her pockets.  
  
WHAT D'YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, EH? Sirius roared, his voice echoing around the Great Hall. I MUST NOT TELL LIES'? WELL, WE ALL KNOW **YOU'RE** WORKING FOR FUDGE, ONLY SOMEONE LIKE HIM IS **DENSE** ENOUGH TO IGNORE VOLDEMORT'S RETURN!  
  
No one flinched at Voldemort's name, for a change; they were too busy gawping at the sight before them. Sirius dumped Umbridge on the ground, reached into his belt, and pulled out an enormous knife. It was so big it looked more like a machete than a knife. (I know that knife! Ron whispered excitedly. That's the one he nearly killed me with in third year!) Sirius looked calmly down at Umbridge, who was trying to gather her detestable doilies and china kittens.  
  
You'll be in trouble! she squeaked, glaring up at Sirius. When I report you to the Ministry, it'll be bye, bye, Black's soul!  
Start running, Sirius said calmly, as if he hadn't heard Umbridge's comment about his soul.  
Umbridge laughed a little. Didn't you hear me?  
Yes, I did, Sirius said sweetly. He raised to knife to his lips and ran the tip of his tongue along the edge of the blade. (Remus moaned longingly at Harry's side; Harry really couldn't see the sex appeal of a guy with a knife, but ignored it.) And I said, start running.  
Umbridge stared up at Sirius, her eyes widening so much that her resemblance to a toad was made stronger. He smiled sweetly down at her, and her eyes flickered to the blade of his knife. With a frightened squeak, she ran out of the Hall as fast as her stubby legs would carry her.  
  
Sirius smiled and leaned casually against the staff table, selecting a jelly doughnut from a basket on the table and beginning to eat. Everyone stared at him.  
Love, what are you doing? Remus spoke up, his voice echoing around the stunned silence of the Hall. (Lots of students fell out of their seats in surprise; none of them save Harry, Hermione, and the Weasleys knew Sirius and Remus were lovers.)  
Eating, Remmie, Sirius said.   
But she's probably going to warn the Ministry that you're here! Hermione wailed.  
Sirius let out his usual bark-like laugh. She can't do much without her wand, he chuckled, pointing to where the tip of Umbridge's wand poked out of that bowl of porridge. And she can't run too far on those short stubby things she calls legs - I'd catch up to her in a minute, he smiled, indicating his own long legs (Remus moaned again). I've got to give her a fair head start then, eh? He finished his doughnut and brushed powdered sugar from his hands, then drained a goblet of milk.   
  
All right, I'm set, Sirius said, picking up his knife. Here I go! And he ran out of the Great Hall. Curious, Harry, Ron, and Hermione got up to follow him, joined by Fred, George, Remus, and eventually the whole school. They stopped uncertainly in the entrance hall, looking around for Sirius, but he wasn't there. Then a horrifying shout rent the silence, echoing around the school.....  
  
  
  
Umbridge, who as Sirius had predicted, hadn't gotten very far, heard the madman Black screaming her name, and stifled a shriek behind her small, chubby hands. Huffing and puffing, she ducked into the first doorway she could find - and found herself in another hallway, face-to-face with Black.  
Running away, Dolores? Sirius inquired sweetly. Tut, tut. I thought Fudge taught you to know no fear.  
You're a madman! Umbridge gasped, clutching at the neck of her stupid pink cardigan and backing away from him. Killed - thirteen people - led the Dark Lord to the Potters - you - you have a boyfriend! And he's a _werewolf_, at that!  
Why does my sexual preference come into *everything*? Sirius sighed, running a hand through his long, silky hair. His eyes narrowed. You know, it's because of *you* that Remus feels even worse about being a werewolf then he did when we were kids. Goddammit, woman, you are ***evil***. Any what you did to Harry - he shook his head sorrowfully. NOW YOU MUST DIE! he roared, and leaped at her.  
  
With a scream, Umbridge turned and ran back the way she had come, aware that Black was chasing her. She ran down the stairs, through the entrance hall, and out into the grounds, still screaming and totally ignoring the cluster of students and teachers staring at her. The only students who seemed concerned were Draco Malfoy, Pansy Parkinson, and Crabbe and Goyle. They tried to form a barrier at the foot of the stairs to stop Sirius as he came chasing after Umbridge; Sirius took a flying leap and flew over their heads, somehow landing completely uninjured and continuing to follow Umbridge.  
  
Oh, poop! Draco pouted.   
Double poop! said Pansy.  
Heheheheh.... poop, chuckled Crabbe and Goyle stupidly.  
  
Everyone ignored the brainless quartet of Slytherins and poured out onto the school grounds. Currently Sirius was chasing Umbridge around and around one of the winged boar statues, his knife held high, yelling, STAB STAB STAB! KILL KILL KILL!  
  
Well, you had to give Umbridge some credit - the fear of being hacked to pieces by a psychopathic gay man with a knife had given her some sort of superhuman speed. But, of course, it was hampered by her stubby legs and the fact she was too fat. She ran across the grounds, weaving around rose bushes, while Sirius chased her, still yelling, STAB STAB STAB! KILL KILL KILL!  
  
All the students began to clap, and the first years jumped up and down in excitement. Even the teachers had to work hard to conceal their joy. Remus jumped up and down as well,waving merrily to Sirius, who stopped and waved back, and blew a kiss.  
Get her, love! Remus called. I'll make it extra good for you tonight if you do!  
Sirius drooled and had to press his hanky against a sudden nosebleed (like an anime character). Once he had stopped the flow of blood, he renewed his chase with increased enthusiasm. STAB STAB STAB! KILL KILL KILL!  
  
Get her, Sirius! Harry yelled, as he, Ron, and Hermione unfurled a giant banner they had conjured from nowhere. It read **GO SIRIUS** in gold letters. The teachers and students all conjured up flags and banners too; even Snape was waving a tiny little flag with Sirius' name on it.  
Teach that old cow a lesson! Ron hollered.  
STAB STAB STAB! KILL KILL KILL! the students and teachers chanted. STAB STAB STAB! KILL KILL KILL!   
  
Umbridge shrieked, looking wildly around for an escape. Her eyes lit up. The lake! Shrieking in triumph, she jumped in the water.  
Does she actually think Siri won't mind a little water? Remus asked, watching Umbridge swim out into the middle of the lake.   
Sirius stopped on the edge of the lake. He watched Umbridge swimming for a minute or two, then stuck his knife back in his belt.  
What's he doing? Professor Flitwick asked.  
  
It didn't take long to find out what Sirius was waiting for. Just as Umbridge reached the middle of the lake, a huge, white tentacle rose from the water and wrapped itself around her waist!  
Umbridge screamed and beat furiously at the tentacle, which was pulling her underwater. Help me! she wailed, to the last person in the world who would - Sirius, standing on the edge of the lake.  
Sirius began giggling hysterically and crumpled to the ground, where he lay, still laughing madly. H-HELP you? After what you've done to Remmie and Harry? After you've insulted my taste in relationships? You must be *kidding*, dear!  
  
wailed Umbridge, and her protests quickly disintegrated into bubbling noises as she was pulled under the lake. The water began to froth and foam, and started to turn red.  
  
Sirius stood up and sauntered casually back up towards the school. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Remus ran to meet him. Sirius planted a sloppy kiss on Remus' lips and gave Harry a tight hug.  
Well done, Sirius, mate, Ron said, grinning. Never thought you'd be the one to rid us of that old cow.  
Ah, it wasn't me, Sirius said modestly. I just chased her into the lake. The giant squid did all the dirty work.  
Dumbledore hurried down to them and seized Sirius' hand in both of his, pumping it wildly. Well done, well done, I can't believe we're finally shut of her - Sirius, I want YOU to fill in as Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher from now on!  
Sirius asked, eyes wide. Wow, Dumbledore, sir, I'm - I'm flattered - but what will the Ministry say?  
  
I'll tell you what the Ministry will say! said a furious voice. Everyone turned to see Cornelius Fudge storming across the lawn, scowling and twisting his lime-green bowler hat between his fists. NO! NO! NO! I will NOT have Black teaching ANYWHERE! I'm going to call the dementors AT ONCE - we'll finally minister the Kiss we've been waiting for years to do - your days are FINISHED, Black! Wait until I - ack!  
  
Sirius smiled as the tentacle seized Fudge and pulled him underwater as well. Well, Dumbledore, looks like you can be Minister of Magic now....  
  
  
And they all lived happily ever after.  
  
THE END


End file.
